Journal Batch #3

 4-3-24 Tempted

As I am going through my divorce, loneliness has crept in. I know this is just a part of the process, and part of being an artist. But then a long time friend has shown interest in me. I feel so torn. Worried about hurting my ex by seeing someone new, concerned that I will repeat past mistakes with a new person and afraid I am not putting God first (followed by my son and my art). What am I doing? Am I ready to jump into the next relationship? Do I need space to heal? Do I need to be selfish and just do my art? 

My mind starts to reason with the ideas of a new lady in my life. I feel God tugging on me to stay single. But Samson ran around with a lot of women. But Samson got tricked and blinded. King David had many wives and even killed his friend for one of them. The Bible is full of these examples. But these are lessons and warnings, not excuses to follow the same path. It’s about the beauty of women. Even in Genesis, Angels took women as wives. And from that Giants were born. Where am I going with this? To have the slightest chance of a happy relationship, you need to follow God’s ways that are detailed in the Bible. But even if one person in the relationship is emotionally and spiritually healthy and putting God first, the other could fall short causing a relationship train wreck. So many things to worry about. But we are told to give our worries to God. Lord, why did you make woman so beautiful? It tortures my soul.

4-12-24

When you went to the cross Lord, you were in constant communication with the Father. When I went through my divorce, I don’t think I was that diligent.

4-21-24

Creative people, stop putting your identity in the things others create. Do your art and identify with that! I have a God to worship, a son to raise and art to create.

4-23-24

I am flooded with emotions this morning. I prayed and cried in the shower. Through my journey of the past two days, my morning prayer brought up many issues within myself. Reflection. In a nut shell, I discovered through my conversation with God that I have spent my whole life up until now living for others and trying to please everyone except God, and myself. And I noticed all of this by watching my eight year old son doing the same thing… living for others. Now I know what my mission is for this coming summer; to teach Luke how to speak his truth and put God first.